What Is and What Will Never Be
by LittleKnux2008
Summary: Rodney and Elizabeth have their usual talk, but it’s different this time. [SWAMA]


**Spoilers: **Up until S2 "Conversion"  
**Disclaimer: **Still own nothing.  
**Summary: **Rodney and Elizabeth have their usual talk, but it's different this time.  
**Author's Note: **SWAMA fic: hope you enjoy!

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"I'm glad you guys are okay," Elizabeth says, and by that she means him. She's glad _he's_ all right. Oh, sure, she's probably relieved that Ronon, Teyla and I are all in one piece as well, but it's not the same. She cares about him in a different way. When she laughs at his jokes, her eyes sparkle with mirth. Every time he manages to land himself in the infirmary, she carries an aura of worry. The news of his recovery comes over the radio and her shoulders slump with relief and she smiles. When news of his recent female alien tag-along reaches her ears, sadness fills her. She tries to hide it, but I know it's there. And when she looks at him she smiles and there's something in her eyes. Love? It kills me to think so, and yet there's no other word for it. She looks at him the way I wish she'd look at me.

Elizabeth was the first woman I knew that could tolerate me. Sure, there was the occasional member of the female species that enjoyed spending time with me, but it wasn't the same. None of them were on her level, in her league. Nowadays I don't think _I'm _in her league either. I remember working in Antarctica and seeing her always by herself, her impartiality distancing herself from everyone. For one of the first times in my life, I actually cared that someone else was being left out and I did something about it. I'd been ready for a rejection when I sat down next to her in the mess hall, but she'd just smiled at me.

We were friends from that point onward. There was something about us; something that just clicked. I'd never had someone so close to me before; someone who would listen to everything that I would say. She still does. Out of everyone on Atlantis, she knows me best. I had never thought about her becoming involved with anyone before. Above all, she is a leader. If she breaks regulations, who would she be to make everyone else abide them? Some days I thought about it; thought about Elizabeth and me together. I dismissed it quickly enough, but I never knew how much I held onto the vague hope that one day perhaps we'd be together; never realized it until now, when her feelings for him are so obvious.

I should've seen it coming. And not just because of the improbability of a smart, intelligent, beautiful woman like Elizabeth liking someone like me, but because of the way they'd been acting. If I think hard enough, I can recall hints of it since the minute we stepped into this city. I'd never paid them any mind before, passing it off as friendship. I've had it all wrong. Our relationship: that's friendship. At least to her it is. What they have between them is something more to her. She always sought to give him advice and comfort after a mission gone wrong. When he thought of a plan, dangerous or not, she almost always gave in. Maybe I'm overanalyzing that, but there's so much more. The day of the storm, after he shot Kolya to stop him from taking Elizabeth hostage, the way he made sure she was okay and how he grabbed her hand and led her up to the control room…all signs, signs I chose to overlook because I didn't want to believe it. I remember hearing of their tight embrace after the Wraith ships descending on Atlantis had been destroyed and he'd returned to the city. When he'd started transforming because of the retrovirus, she'd risked her life to go into his room and talk to him. There'd been so many hints, but I'd been so blind.

"Rodney?" she says softly, "Are you all right?" Elizabeth touches my shoulder, and I'm torn apart. In a way I don't welcome her gentle touches, her reassuring words or her small smiles anymore – I used to wish they were signs of what could be, but now I know they aren't. It hurts when she tries to comfort me, smiles at me. It's just friendship. I should be happy to have such a great friend, but after having a glimpse of what we could have – be it imagined or otherwise – I'm not so happy to call her just a friend.

"I'm fine," I reply with a tight smile, because how could I possibly tell her? How could I tell her that I'm in love with her? She stares at me for a long moment, and I know she's not satisfied with my answer. Elizabeth has always been able to see through my words, to see me.

"So," she says, changing the subject because she knows me well enough to know that the current one is closed, "have your eye on any ladies of Atlantis recently?" she asks the question lightly and jokingly. It's well known among everyone that relationships on Atlantis were forbidden by the book, but Elizabeth only enforced the ban when it had the potential to cause problems.

I look toward the dark waters below our balcony – no, _the _balcony – and think a while before replying. "Yes, well… There is someone."

"Oh?" Elizabeth says, sounding vaguely surprised. "What's she like?" she asks, her voice portraying her interest.

"She's smart, beautiful…" I trail off. I've told her so much it hurts to hold something back, but I have to. If I tell her, it'll ruin our friendship and that's the only thing I have with her anymore. Maybe it's not what I want, but I'll take what I can get and mourn over what I'll never have. "She and I are pretty close now."

"Sounds nice," she murmurs softly, and she doesn't know how wrong she is. "Shoot!" Elizabeth exclaims suddenly, and I look over to see her staring at her watch. "I'm really sorry Rodney but I have to go; I was supposed to meet John ten minutes ago." My heart plummets as she says those words. John, not Major, not Sheppard; John. Why would she go to meet just a friend this late in the night? I sigh softly. The only conclusion is that they're more than friends. For once, I wish I was wrong.

"I suppose I'll see you tomorrow, then," I say quietly, and she nods before turning and walking away. The sound of the Ancient door opening reaches my ears a moment later and I turn to watch her go. I'll see her tomorrow, and the next day and the day after that but it won't make any difference. She loves John, and I'm not him and she'll never think of me the same way no matter how much I wish she would.

"Goodnight, Rodney," she says and the door closes, closes on me and whatever could've been between us.

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End file.
